The Unspoken Code of Motherhood
I’m starting to wonder if there is such a code. There are a lot of challenges when you become a mom, yet sometimes it seems like you might be the only one who is going through them! It seems to be that no one is really open about what is really going on in their lives, no matter how close you think you might be. We’ve been attending many different mommy and baby programs over the past month and during each group, there is usually a time for you to share how things are going. And everyone seems to say things are going well – if they do admit that things are tough or they are sleep deprived, it’s usually with a laugh or as a joke, as though it’s no big deal.
Some of the biggest challenges faced when first becoming a mom include:
- Breastfeeding – check out my other posts about this particular challenge.
- Sleep deprivation
- Financial stress
- Colicky or crying baby
- Lack of support, from partner or family (possibly due to distance)
- Loss of income and ability to earn income
- Body image and weight loss
Sleep deprivation ranks highest on my list. I found that I could handle it for the first few months, but as it stretches on to past four months, it is definitely a huge challenge to overcome. Sure, you’re supposed to nap when baby naps – but when are you supposed to eat, shower, clean or do anything else for yourself if you’re napping? True, some babies do sleep through the night at an earlier age, but I think for the most part, infants do not sleep through the night, which makes mom’s day a lot harder.
Financial stress can also be a huge factor for a new mom. If she was working before, the loss of income can seriously affect a family. We are blessed to have Employment Insurance that covers a 1 year maternity leave (or paternity leave), but “The basic benefit rate is 55% of your average insured earnings up to a yearly maximum insurable amount of $44,200. This means you can receive a maximum payment of $468 per week.” For many women, especially those who are more established in their careers, this is a massive pay cut. Yet monthly expenses haven’t changed (mortgage, car payments, loans, food etc) and in fact, have increased because of baby. So the financial stress can be enormous and may be one of the reasons why some women choose to go back to work earlier. Of course, for those who are self-employed (like me) the challenge can be even greater. A friend who is a physician had to save enough to cover expenses for 3 months, so that she could take the time off when her son was born.
I am certain that more women are going through these challenges – and are keeping it to themselves. I hope to open up a discussion and a forum to allow women to express themselves and their challenges and know that they are not alone. I’ll touch on the other challenges in my next post. 
Great post. I had my son Jeremy shortly after you had Celine. It’s so true – no one talks about how hard it is. All the magazine and marketing have all these serene family moments. They don’t show you fighting like a crazy person with your husband at 2am because no one has slept. And the financial stress ! Don’t forget the pressure that is out there to purchase the “best” items for your baby on your reduced income.
Ahh yes, the BEST stuff for baby. That’s a trap I’ve tried to avoid, but it’s not always that simple.
You are not alone, Julie. As a freelancer, I had to save up to take time off for both of my kids. And the lovely Dutch government, who nixed the maternity benefit for the self-employed two months before I had my son, reinstated the benefit from the month after I went back to work after having my daughter. What kind of bad timing is that?
Also: Do whatever you need to do, to get some sleep. Shower before dad leaves in the morning. Make food and water a major priority. Use a sling so you can free up an arm to do stuff (eat, for example). And if you can carve out the budget, hire someone to clean your house twice a month.
Thanks for all of the suggestions Simone. I’ve been prepping food on Sunday nights, which helps a lot.
I am the same as you Julie and really love a good quality discussion on all things motherhood. The problem with many mom and baby programs is that they are firstly short in duration and secondly they are also structured. While you do get the check in portion where the mothers are free to share whatever they are experiencing you also have the structured activity time, which is what these women paid to do in the first place. I think it is so important to share and connect with other mothers not only to build a strong sense of community but also because being a mother can be so isolating. Talking over a tea while your children play while you discuss these important issues is so wonderful to the soul. It is this type of an environment that fosters a free flowing discussion, advice and a heart to heart with other mothers. My recommendation is to schedule play dates and do it often. They are so abundant in the exchange that provides growth and joy to you and your child. Many may be familiar with Momstown (an online community) where you can meet local mothers who regularly organize outings and play dates in order to support each other and share their wisdom. There are of course many other environments such as play grounds and libraries where you can meet others who like you are interested in deliberating the experience of motherhood. I think we all have something to share whether we have been parenting for only a couple of months or for many years.
I always love your comments Dominique, I’m blessed to have you as a friend.
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I agree with Dominique! Being with other moms on a regular basis gives you a chance to connect on a more personal level. Most moms will not divulge personal information unless they know you and see you often. I was so blessed to have an amazing playgroup in Seattle to share the ups and downs of parenting. Being a part of MOPS was also a wonderful way to share tips and get together with like minded moms! We are all in this together and the more we can help one another the happier we will ALL be!
Hey Jules,
I think most women do not speak of the hardship because we are supposed to be SUPER WOMEN! That is the idea that a lot of us have engraved in our heads, even though we truly know it is impossible! I know for sure that as a new mom it is very challenging to get through a lot of the difficulties you have mentioned. Being a mother of three boys, the challenges do not really change, but I (we) have learned to cope with them better. Since you are my best friend, I am sure I told you many times about the sleep deprivation and lack of showering, etc…. However, until you experience it for yourself there is no way to truly comprehend it! Just know that it does get easier and being the fighter you are I know you will find a way to get a hold on life like you want it to be. Blessings my dear!
I’m sure you did tell me, but as you said, until you experience it yourself, you have no way of understanding it. I am in awe of you being a mom to three boys!
Thanks Julie! That means a lot. I feel I have gotten to know you so much more because of your blog and I feel even more grateful to have you in my life. I love your ability to bring important matters into light with such ease and grace. In terms of the challenges, although they never truly end when you are a parent, the first few months are the hardest. You are constantly feeding, changing and not sleeping, which isn’t fun. Once your baby starts reaching the big milestones such as crawling, walking and talking it gets a lot more fun. I think you are doing a terrific job, staying grounded and realistic and present for Celine…sure you may miss a shower and your house may be a mess but in a few months this will all be a distant memory. My daughter who is 17 months plays with her bath toys on the bathroom floor while I take a shower. She also helps to tidy up the house so there is definitely the light at the end of the tunnel
À quand un blog sur les plaisirs d’être maman?..